Trusted People
a supportive social network
Support for people with addiction problems has been shown to have a big impact on recovery. For support to be helpful it is best provided by those who care and are going to be there in the long term - trusted people.
Being a trusted person
Whether you are part of a network or an individual supporting a friend or family member, you might wonder what a trusted person should do. It is all about positive support for change. This means: i) helping to avoid situations where drinking and drug use is taking place; ii) helping to deal with feelings that increase the desire for drink or drugs; iii) helping to find alternative distracting and enjoyable activities; iv) being on the end of a phone or present in person when support is needed. It involves having discussions to explore new ideas for coping and improving life.
If you have a heavy drinking or drug use habit, or if your mental health is unstable then you are not going to be in a position to help. In these circumstances you might want to seek help for yourself. Also where you have a distressing relationship with the person you would want to help, then again this will prevent you from being able to give the kind of support that is most needed.
You are on the same side
The type of help you give is best based upon mutual respect and understanding, negotiation of the way forward that is agreed between you, rather than one imposing on the other.
Learning to listen to each other, and to give each other a chance to put points of view, being able to receive constructive criticism – these are important principles.
Useful strategies for family and friends…
✔︎ Emphasise that the problem is the drink or drugs not the person
✔︎ Offer to work on a problem together
✔︎ Encourage setting achievable goals - a recovery plan
✔︎ Get the person to talk about their, not your, concerns about their addiction
✔︎ Boost self belief in being able to deal with drinking or drug use with examples of where things have gone well
✔︎ Encourage moving away from other people with addiction problems
✔︎ Encourage activities not associated with drinking, smoking or drug use
Getting support yourself
Being a trusted person can bring pressures and you might want support yourself: there may be a local carers’ group you would find helpful; there are mutual aid groups that give support to family and friends or it may be that support for you comes from a trusted friend or family member of your own. The same principles outlined above will apply. People often find it easier to be supported by someone who also cares and is concerned about the person with the problem. Always try to make sure that any group you join shares your ideas of how to go about things. We would not advocate approaches that involve distancing yourself from your loved one or friend - the evidence shows this is not an effective coping style and does not help them to get better.
Coping strategies used by family and friends
When faced with alcohol and/or drug use problems, relatives and concerned others attempt to respond to the situation. They usually try different strategies depending on their personalities, their previous experience, the severity of the problem and the way they understand it. Often a number of people are in possession of only partial information and have not combined forces effectively to understand and respond to the problem.
Responses to the drinking/drug using behaviour, which we call 'coping', are broader than just actions. Different ways of coping lead to different results which is one reason why people find it difficult to decide on the best course of action, and their attempts to make these decisions are seen as dilemmas.
Research has supported the idea that family and friends' coping efforts fall into three broad categories: Engaged, Tolerant and Withdrawal coping…
Engaged coping
This is about responses which involve active attempts to change a person's behaviour. This may include attempts to control the use, for example by encouraging the problem drinker to promise not to drink, or trying to control his or her money in some way. Another way is to express strong emotions about the alcohol/drug use, for example by starting an argument or making threats or the communication may be more assertive and involve expressing in a calm and open way feelings about the person's alcohol/drug use.
Engaged coping is associated with a range of thoughts. At the more emotional end it includes thoughts such as, "it is not fair on me", whereas in its more controlling form it is associated with thoughts such as, "there must be something I can do". The essential feature is the active attempt by the network member to resolve the problem of excessive alcohol/drug use.
Here are examples of engaged coping:
"We have made it plain to him that it upsets us when we see him in a state and we have told him that we don't want him coming to us when he’s drunk. This seems to have had some benefit”.
Father of a man with a drinking problem
"My tactics to help control the problem include throwing drink away whenever I find it, I see it as an evil poison in the house. I also try to reduce her opportunities to drink".
Husband of a woman with a drink problem
"We have told him that we would accompany him to his appointments if it made it easier for him to attend".
Parents of a person with a drug problem
Tolerant coping
This category is characterised by actions that protect problem drinkers/drug users from the negative consequences of their substance use. It includes actions such as joining the person in drinking/drug use. This form of coping is usually associated with feelings of worry and guilt it might be a way of responding to his/her predicament as a result of thoughts such as, "other people do not understand him/her", "it may be my fault that he/she is taking drugs" and/or "I would rather have him/her as an addict than not have him/her at all". Underlying these coping responses, there may be a sense of powerlessness over the situation. In contrast with engaged coping this strategy is not a direct attempt to change the alcohol/drug use.
Here are examples of tolerant coping:
"Even as far back as 10 years ago I was aware of his drinking problem. I used to turn a blind eye to it for a long time because I did not want to think that there was a problem. He always drinks at home and I supply him with whisky which I buy from the supermarket. I change where I buy it from each day so that people don't recognise me. I am too soft towards him and always give in to him. If I did not give in to him and buy him the alcohol, life would be impossible. I am part of the problem because I always buy the alcohol for him".
Female partner of a man with a drink problem
"Sometimes I have not interfered with her drinking as I knew she'd be asleep in half an hour".
Male partner of a woman with a drink problem
"Currently I am buying the heroin for her as I don't want her mixing with these people and I also know how much she's taking".
Father of young woman with a heroin problem
Withdrawal coping
This strategy aims to put physical or psychological distance between the problem drinker/drug user and family or friends. Attempts to distance oneself from the problem or to gain some independence can arise for two main reasons. Firstly, a person may feel a sense of resignation to the problem associated with thoughts such as "the less time we spend together the better", and with emotions such as sadness, bitterness or feelings of hurt. Another set of reasons might include the desire to look after her/his own needs. This may be associated with thoughts such as "I've got my own life to lead" and/or "I can't help him/her if I go under too". The emotions in this case tend to be related to self-reliance.
Withdrawal coping contrasts with both engaged and tolerant coping in a number of ways. It does not involve attempts to change the drinking/drug use and it does not involve protecting the problem user from the negative consequences.
Here are examples of withdrawal coping:
"I have tried to keep up my interests as much as possible. I enjoy walking the dog, and in general I have changed my mind about the nature of happiness. I now accept happiness whenever it comes, even small moments of happiness rather than seeing it as a long term thing. I sometimes buy clothes to cheer myself up or go to the theatre".
Mother of a man with a drinking problem
"Despite there being nobody fully aware of the problem I find it useful to sometimes get away for a while. I will sometimes spend a week at my mother's or go to a friend's although I have never stayed the night at a friend's house".
Female partner of a man with a drinking problem
"I won't talk to him or allow him to talk to the children when he's using heroin, and I can always tell if he has used it. Heroin was the main reason I decided to kick him out 4 years ago".
Female partner of a man with a heroin problem
Of course, simplifying the picture to a choice of three coping strategies hides some of the difficulties associated with living close to alcohol/drug problems and ignores the dilemmas family and friends experience on a day-to-day basis, notably that both positive and negative outcomes can result from the same ways of coping.
